Log in

No account? Create an account
So, I do not appreciate the LJ inbox eating all my messages. I have a lot of fics that I follow, and important comment threads, AND THEY AREN'T THERE. THIS IS REALLY MAKING ME ANGRY.

anyone else notice the fail that this is?
07 May 2010 @ 12:32 am
my thoughts on Supernatural 5x21Collapse )

Today I watched my favorite musical EVER, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, like three times on a loop. Because it is amazing, and honestly? I watch it at least once every two weeks, usually more than that. And fyi, if you have to do sucky house work, like dusting and mopping, it makes it way more awesome and fun. Because it's impossible to watch it without singing along. Oh and I found this t-shirt that has this quote: "I know all 6349 Words to the movie." And sadly, or awesomely I really do know all the words, and have known them for about ten years. I really want to know how I got away with watching it then, because lord knows it's not even close to being a kids movie. But my other favorite movie then, besides Beauty and the Beast, was Labyrinth. Which sort of explains my love of the ridiculous.

Hmmmm, what else? Oh, I'm making like a million macros, so they'll hopefully be up next week.
.Mood.: bouncybouncy
.Music.: love rollercoaster, by the red hot chilli peppers.
30 April 2010 @ 02:52 am
Okay, this episode of Supernatural WAS AWESOME, and by AWESOME I mean FUCKING CROWLEY WAS THE SHIT. PERIOD.


Sorry for the massive black blob/capslock, I didn't want to use an lj cut and I really didn't want to spoil anyone who hasn't seen the episode. Cause even though I'm a spoiler addict, I'm not a jerk.

Okay, in a different vein, this video right here? my fucking FAVORITE. Regina Spektor + Supernatural is ALWAYS a good idea. And kaiyote's vids are seriously amazing. Like Van Gogh amazing, they're short sweet and always perfect. SO GO TO HER FANWORK COMMUNITY [theblackmonster] and check out her stuff. It's AWESOME. Now? on to the vid recs. The first one is the reason I'm reccing her, and my personal favorites are under the cut.

downfall, future!cas/future!dean

AMAZING videos by kaiyoteCollapse )
.Mood.: annoyedannoyed
.Music.: samson, by regina spektor.
I'm still not even in the realm of okay, currently venting in the only way I can by writing page after page. But I just looked at my saved youtube videos because I'm in desperate need of a laugh, and I rediscovered this gem. YOU'RE WELCOME.

.Mood.: blankblank
.Music.: in too deep, by sum 41.
It's no surprise to anyone whose been my livejournal friend for a while that I frequently suffer the worst indignity known to man. Being told, through both actions and words, by those who should love me unconditionally and without ending, that I am worthless. That I deserve nothing but hate, and abuse and scorn. That I should learn to stop sticking up for myself, that I am less of a human than those around me.

For my entire miserable life my family and home life has left much to be desired. I am frequently put down and scorned for no worse a crime than defending myself. My sixteen year old sister is both the cause and perpetrator of 99.9% of these attacks. She has always, and I am by no means exaggerating, been completely psychotic. If the simplest thing doesn't go her way (example? today she lost a five dollar bill and then proceeded to start the fight I will tell later over the fact that my mother and myself were making taco salad for dinner, and the one facet of the dinner that threw her over the edge was the minuscule amount of onions that were in the meat, and by minuscule I mean one or two slivers from the salsa that we cooked the meat in). This has been true since she turned two years old and has never let up. Now that I am twenty years old I understand that the only way to protect myself from these heinous fights is to turn into the paint on the walls. It's never easy, but sometimes, when my insomnia has made the simple act of breathing a painful chore or when I hit the limit of emotional abuse that I can handle, I snap. I try hard to keep it from happening, But there's only so many times that a person can hear they are "useless wastes of space or the ever-present you don't deserve to live here, to live period" before enough is enough.

Today was one of those days, I was trying to watch a hockey game in the living room and my sister starts her screaming and cursing and begins to throw a hissy fit that would embarrass a two year old, so I turned the volume up. Clearly this is a capital offense, and she proceeds to start screaming WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE, NO ONE HERE LOVES YOU, OR LIKES YOU. YOU'RE A FAILURE, WHO DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL AND SHOULD GO DIE. along with much more colorful lines that would make a prison inmate cry, and I just try to defend myself. Not by pointing out the insanity that my sister spews but by telling my mother, my ALMOST FIFTY YEAR OLD MOTHER, to tell her to stop. This turns into my mother, screaming at me to leave my SISTER alone, and it's not like she wasn't three feet away watching the whole thing, she knows that my sister is the one starting and instigating the fight, and that I'm doing nothing to continue it, I'm trying to stop it. But if my sister is the shrew in this melodrama then my mother is the hypocritical spineless henchman. In the fourteen years of family fights that have happened in my home she has never, not once stuck up for me. My father isn't home, but even help from him is about a one in a thousand shot. I won't tell you the things that were screamed at me, because honestly I wouldn't even want my worst enemy to hear them, but the phrases "get out of the house," "shut your fucking mouth," "why don't you jump off a bridge," "no one will ever love you," "this is all your fault," and my personal favorite "I'm going to call the cops on you" from my mother. If it was just the words though, I might have just went to my room, but my sister isn't happy unless there are physical blows to match the emotional ones. And after I held a remote out to keep her away she proceeds to go WWE on me, but do I hit or hurt her? No, I never do, but that doesn't change a thing. Not one thing. And once I finally got away and braced my door my sister starts on her "you always take her side" rant. Which honestly is LAUGHABLE, anyone with an iq of 3 could see that my side has NEVER been taken. I'm too exhausted to tell the rest, honestly, but if you have half an imagination you can fill in the gaps, right now I'm listening to music as high as I can and praying for a cigarette and a bottle of Jack, neither are showing up anytime soon. Honestly I'm wishing that I never came back to this hell hole. But wishes and horses. I can't do anything about it anyways.
Sometimes, it all just seems pointless. Because no matter how many times you tell someone, or try to explain, you can't do it justice. Because it's more that living with the debilitating effects of being surrounded by people who view you as no more important than a dust on a coffee table. Something to ignore when it's in the air, but to destroy once it gets near anything that is important. It's more than that, it's knowing that as much as they hurt and hate you it has nothing on the damage that you do to yourself by believing it. By knowing without a shadow of a doubt that it's true, that if they weren't right then things wouldn't be this way. To know that even if you got away or tried to change it, you can't. To know that all you can do is try to survive, to shuffle forward even when pushed back, to know that others view your struggle as an obstacle that you should automatically be able to get around, it is not as easy as it looks, it's a full time job. Hating yourself takes a hell of a lot of time and energy.

That's what people who don't have first-hand knowledge are unable to understand. They think self-hate, and living in impossible situations is giving up. It is NOT. Giving up is death, living with its weight on your shoulders is a struggle. A constant never ending struggle. It's not quick or easy. It's never ending, it's taking a pill to keep yourself sane for just a little while longer. It's never giving up. Not succumbing. But enduring. That's the journey, that's the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the path is steep and jagged with endless ways to take a shortcut, but choosing to make it better. To walk your path with dignity, to never ever give up.
.Mood.: indescribableindescribable
.Music.: iris, by the goo goo dolls.
This post is a bullet list, because I'm lazy, rofl.

Watching the Stanley Cup playoffs right now, it's extremely frustrating. The Montreal/Washington game was way to nerve wracking, I'm fairly sure that I will curse even more during the Detroit/Phoenix game, because if the Red Wings go to one more Stanley Cup Final I will be SOOOOOOOOOOO pissed. [/hockey obsessed ranting]

Other fun things? Ummm, my epic rewatch of Criminal Minds, I'm on the season 2 finale right now, it's AWESOME. Also? Spencer Reid breaks my heart in to teeny pieces. And everyone should join Team Reid over at crimeland, SERIOUSLY.

This weeks Supernatural was both heartbreaking and AWESOME. I will miss Gabriel/Trickster so very much. But you have to admit the man's got style. And I'm so not even close to ready for the final three episodes, because if Castiel dies I might cry for like the whole summer. Another thing? Lucifer you are amazing, I love you so fucking much. So much that I'm glad you aren't dying, well hopefully not, and the plan is to stick you back in your box, because you are a fierce mother fucker. And have epic entrances, because only awesome villans enter and say to "Sam, Dean, nice to see you again" and then proceed to punch someone through their entire body. You are the epitome of one badass mother fucker.

One more super fantastic thing? I have this epic mishaland fanmix saved on my itunes, but I can't make cover art to save my life. So it would be awesome if someone would make it for me, I'd love you forever, and give you my first born child, and make you my personal savior. Plus give you whatever, non graphic/photoshopy, thing you want. SERIOUSLY.

Another thing? I'm an awful livejournal friend. I love you all more than life itself, so my goal is to be a better one.
.Music.: folding chair, by regina spektor.
Some days thinking about you is nostalgic. Some days I forget about you. Sometimes? I pray for the ability to see you, just one last time. Sometimes I cry about losing you, other times I hate you so much it feels like swallowing broken glass. It almost makes me wish for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to be real. So that I could erase you from my life. But then I remember your smile, or your laugh, and then I hate myself for wishing you could disappear. Because like a tattoo, you won't ever leave my skin. Even after all this time I can still feel your hands on my face. You were a mistake, a monumental horrible mistake. But that doesn't make anything easier. It doesn't mean that I don't miss you, or love you. Because as much as I hate you, and I do, so very much, I still miss you. I now understand that hate, indifference, love, they're all the same thing. They all hurt, they all burn and boil, they all cripple. I set you free, I let you go. Because I knew that you never loved me in any way that counted. You never could, not when I needed you, or when you hurt me, because you . . . well were you. Selfish, hurtful, hateful you. You aren't the perfect picture that lives in my head. You aren't perfect, or wonderful. You never were, I was just stupid. Stupid for believing in a dream, stupid for following you into the dark.

You know? Missing you is like that strange void, when I’m between a group of people, and they’re talking, or they’re so engrossed in what they’re doing...for this split second, I notice this, and I just fall out of that loop. Miss saying a comment. My mind goes elsewhere, and it just hits me…seeing you, then and there. My breath holds in, I slowly let it out, and I try to go back. I try so damn hard, but it takes a while to forget that feeling . . . of ‘almost-alone’. You just never leave. That’s how much it hurts.
09 March 2010 @ 03:48 am
basically I'm back at the parent's for the foreseeable future. reasons include: my mom's brain surgery and my super awful major depressive episode last week. so basically I'm at home doing everything from the dishes to the driving, mom comes home tomorrow if her pain management regime is fine, but because the surgery affected her left side motor skills she needs a walker to walk and we're having home health and occupational therapists come to the house once she leaves the hospital. I would talk about what happened last week, but I don't even want to think about it let alone talk about it. It doesn't help that I've spent every waking moment at the hospital since I got back to Cape Coral, and I LOATHE hospitals, but that's neither here nor there.

Right now I'm living it up at crimeland, and my team, crimereid, is the shit. Mostly because Criminal Minds is awesome, it seriously is so much awesome. the only problem is that my internet and phone use is pretty much limited to wee hours of the morning. which sucks.
.Mood.: boredbored
.Music.: losing sleep, by charlotte sometimes.
So I had this dream last night. About Him. I hate it. I hate it, so much. Why in the fuck does he have to pop up and destroy my life again, but without even being here to do it. I haven't thought about him in forever. I have spoken to him in years. Why, I hate him, I have every right to hate him. So why do I have to dream about saving him, I don't need to save him. I need to save myself. Not him. It's bad enough that all I do is cry, why do I have to see him crying when I close my eyes. This has nothing to do with him. Nothing.
.Mood.: tiredtired
.Music.: hallelujah, by jeff buckley.

If you don't know what it is? It is fucking glorious. Seriously, vote for your favorite tv characters, if they win their match they move on. If they move on they go against more opponents, and it fucking owns. Last year Dean Winchester fucking DOMINATED. But I'm all about Castiel this go round. Join the community, vote, and get stoked about it with me. :D


also? watched Clerks today, it was glorious. I love that movie. EVERYONE should love that movie. KEVIN SMITH IS GOD.


.Mood.: nerdynerdy
.Music.: chewbacca, by nerf herder.