Right now I'm writing one of my hoodie_time challenge prompts. It would be so much easier if I had a computer. I'm über frustrated about it. Oh and could the semester be over so I can write more? Thanks.

Clarity. That's what it feels like after I write. Like I just erased the board and started fresh.

I love that feeling. So much. Which is why this, having no computer thing sucks so bad. Because I feel better when I can vent, write. Without it, I kinda lose myself. Not as in go completely kuckoo for cocoa puffs, but sort of frayed. Stretched too thin. Like being tired, and run down. Shaking like a leaf on a tree, and praying for a cigarette so that I can get some work done. And then it doesn't stop, it progresses, and before I know it I'm standing in the mirror crying again. Or worse laying in my bed for hours upon end, with my hands over my ears, shaking and whispering. Of course the worst part is that I write so much better then. More proof that talent only comes from pain, and hatred, and sadness.

I need a fucking sunny day.

So I watched this weeks episode of Big Bang Theory, and this crazy crack fic comes to me. In the episode Sheldon has a thing where anytime there is arguing around him he makes noise to drown it out, or runs away and has a mini panic attack. Now I have this insane crackfic idea. Where Dean is turned into a very young child, and Sam and Castiel are in the room with him arguing about something and he freaks out. I've always had this theory that Dean doesn't deal well with his family and friends arguing. Thus being made a child he has no capacity to keep himself calm. Schmoopy h/c adorableness ensues. So if this sounds worth writing, or you know if it's an awful idea, let me know!

much love,
stephie :)

ETA: I forgot to tell you, today I finished my epic rewatch of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, which made me want to re-read it. It also made me want to re-read all seven Harry Potter books. So many books, and so little time. Oh and also? I found another possible quote for a tattoo, it's by JRR Tolkien, "not all those who wander are lost." I kinda want to get the words to form an infinity symbol, but idk. :)

Today I started preliminary work on one of my prompts for hoodie_time's Dean-focused hurt/comfort challenge. Its the prompt that rei17 made, an au of Dean's experience in fighting his way out of his grave in 4.01, an au that, very understandably will tackle the issue of what would have happened if Dean couldn't get all the way out in time, and what trauma that could have become. It has already taken over my brain. I've been searching for clips and stories which show the act of crawling, fighting and clawing out of you're own grave, and the trauma that leaves you with. The season five finale of CSI, "Grave Danger" has been a godsend. All I could think when I began writing is of Castiel's role in this. Because of this I have an idea of placing his voice in the story, his efforts to protect his charge and get him back to his family. Its kind of awesome to crawl through this headspace. I'm so excited to get it written, and posted!

So I'm dying. I hate, no loathe being sick. I also have an exam today. With those things out of the way, along with me feeling like I'm moving through mollases, I'm trying to pay attention to a Cherokee film on the Trail of Tears. It's hard, especially because I feel like death warmed over. Oh and still no computer. Yay, I wanna take a nap.

</end of delusional sick thoughts>

Because of the epic crash of my computer I couldn't participate in NaNoWriMo. This makes me sad, because I really wanted to. Now I'm comtemplating taking two prompts from hoodie_time's Dean focused hurt comfort challenge. I really want to, but I NEED a beta, someone who'll kick my ass and help me make the most badass fanfics imaginable. I love fanfic writing, I work on stories on paper with a pencil all the time, right now I have two Supernatural stories that need a little polish so they can be posted, along with four more Supernatural ones that are saved in google docs waiting to be finished. In addition to this I have three epic Susan/Caspian pieces that need to be polished, and believe me I feel awful about not being active over at susancaspian. I might get on casue100 to rectify that problem. I just need HELP. A steady and awesome beta would be awesome. And with that plea done with, I leave you with this. :)

I'm a writer, a painter, an artist with a pallete of words in addition to color. It's sad to see the eloquence of old, the books and essays, quotations and lyrics be thrown away with little regard as to what will happen to words when no longer cherished, no longer written.

So it's been a while hasn't it? Stupid school stealing my life, rofl. But seriously I have like a shit ton of fanfiction written that needs to be posted, problem is, my computer CRASHED. Not just like it's slow, but honest to god crashed, best part is, I have over 4000 songs on it, at least 1000 pictures, and a whole semester of research that basically I can't access. So I've been living at the computer lab, and working like crazy to catch back up. Yay right? The worst part though? I don't even have enough money to try to recover it. Best week ever.

On the real? My course load this semester is beginning to look like Mt. Everest already. But it doesn't matter, because I'm honestly the happiest I have ever been. Ever. It has nothing to do with a guy, or anything like that. I've just finally gotten to the point in my life where I actually want to be happy. And as cliched as that sounds, sometimes just wanting to be happy can actually make you happy. I've never smiled this much, or had this much giddy energy as I do right now, and it couldn't have come any sooner.

On the super smart college student front though . . . just kidding, I'm actually excited about my classes this semester. I'm taking a lot of classes but I don't even care, because I AM getting straight A's this semester. For serious. I'm taking Incas, Aztecs and Mayas; Peoples and Cultures of the World; North American Indians; Periods of Early British Literature (where I'm actually learning Old English!); and Craft of the Historian, with my favorite teacher in the History Department hands down. Things are looking up, I don't even care that I'm practically going to be living in the Mac Lab/Library this semester. That's how fantastic my classes are.

Another fantastic thing? The fact that my 20th birthday is on Saturday! So seriously it's the best day ever right now. I'm stoked on life.

WAIT, I almost forgot my fantastic news! I moved into my new apartment two weeks ago. And it is straight up the cutest thing ever. I'll post pics of it later, but right now? I have a date with Peoples and Cultures of the World and I have to book it to class. Much love, hopefully everyone else's semesters are going swimmingly!


peace and love,
stephanie

p.s.: if well written fanfic makes your life and if you're a fan of Supernatural, Dean Winchester, and Castiel, then you need to go read this story below. Tracy writes beautifully. And I'm in LOVE with this fic.


“Dean glanced away quickly, suddenly too embarrassed to look Castiel in the eye, because this was exactly why he'd suddenly become so inappropriately possessive, probably, because the angel went and said stupid shit like this that made Dean feel like maybe he could actually be that important to someone. That someone could want him around for no other reason than because they liked being in his presence. That someone might choose him over all the better things in this world, like romances and schools and normal lives. Castiel had given him a taste of that, and now that Dean could recognize it, he began to worry that he wouldn't be able to let it go. Or that he would have to.”
- And I Will Walk on Water, tracy_loo_who

So it's been a while huh? An extremely long while. So I guess I'm gonna just update, or something like that.

Let's start with the fucking ridiculous that was Florida Elks Youth Camp this summer. On the real it wasn't so bad a summer. But realizing that six years of loyal and fantastic employment means jack shit to them really fucking sucked. I got blown over twice for a promotion. But really all it did for me was make me fucking glad to be rid of the place.

On the life front? I'm so glad that I got to spend two weeks just bullshitting and watching Supernatural with Elizabeth. It fucking made everything better. Plus you know nothing is better than sitting on a bed staring at the tv and talking about how much you want to bang Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki. I swear watching Supernatural is better than porn.

On the other hand though? My health is kinda falling through the cracks again. I did lose almost twenty pounds this summer, but it didn't change a thing. Because my thyroid levels are fucking ridculously low. I could go full on anorexic and I'd lose maybe ten pounds, but I'd gain five first. Had a CT scan adventure this week. It sucked a lot! I thankfully just needed a head scan so it wasn't so bad. But the iodine drip did. Fucking IV's and blood work just skeve me out. And I've had like four in the past two weeks.

Enough with the angsting for a second. I have to throw out the best thing ever that happened, besides Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince in IMAX 3D, since I've been home. I've had like three separate hour long conversations about alcohol with my mom. As in what drinks we like best. Fucking awesome. So I'll just have to remember that when my family starts sucking again.

On the real though? I've been thinking a lot about the suck that is my life currently. I'm pretty close to being broke. I have a car that has the plague, and a family who won't help at all. But I'm done being homeless in a week. So that's exciting.

OH and my need to be read fic list is fucking obscene! Good thing I don't have a job! Though I can't wait for Sept. 10th. I need Supernatural Season 5 now!!!!! Plus I got my SIGNED Jason Manns CD in the mail a couple weeks ago. He's my new favorite simply because he sent the CD from his apartment, with like print out labels and stamps, and he personized it too. I heart him. REALLY.

I guess I'm done updating for a hot minute. I'll tell you more later!